Gwyneth Paltrow takes time to reflect on her past in a new essay in honor of her 50th birthday. In a post shared to her Goop blog on Sept. 22, the 49-year-old actress reflected on the passage of time and reflected on mistakes she’d made throughout her life.
“My flaws, living in the shadows, slippery and dark, are harder to define. Not because I don’t know what they are, but because we keep them out of the logs,” she wrote. “I hurt people, never on purpose, but I did it anyway. I let people down because I wasn’t who they needed me to be. I betrayed myself to keep the peace. I’ve crossed boundaries, the thoughts of which sometimes wake me up and leave me in the void of shame for a long, dark night.”
Despite all of this, she continued, her greatest regret is staying silent rather than speaking out. “My greatest regret, and so many times I have not spoken my truth to spare a perceived consequence, is that if we violate anyone’s truth and speaking out of it, come what may, it will tear us both apart,” she wrote To say words that could have saved years of heartache and repercussions. no That doesn’t feel right to me. Your expectations are not reasonable. Your behavior is not appropriate. This relationship is no longer right for me. This project is not right for me. You’re not right for me anymore.”
She added that she is working to accept her mistakes. “I want to fully acknowledge myself. I’m imperfect, I can switch off and turn to ice, I have no patience, I scold other drivers, I don’t close my closet doors, I lie when I don’t want to hurt feelings,” she wrote. But in the end, she drove continuing, she hopes that “my feelings of regret and my mistakes can serve as a framework for what I build from now on. That they are the greatest achievement of my life.”
Paltrow turns 50 on September 27. The Goop founder and actress has two children, 18-year-old Apple and 16-year-old Moses, with her ex Chris Martin. She ended the essay by reflecting on her children, who “are now old enough to remember this ‘big’ birthday of mine into their own adulthood.”
At the end of the day, she concluded, “I really won’t know what it was like turning 50 until much later, when I can look back from a higher place, maybe on one of their 50th, heartbroken and full at the same time ( how life is).”